I give up!

I want a new brain and new girl parts! Effective immediately!

In the words of Trapt

Let me play
I've been dying to let you in
It's all I wanna be
So won't you take it from me
I wonder why the less I get the more I give
It's all I wanna be
So won't you take it from me

I want your eyes
I want your eyes on me
I want your eyes
I want your eyes on me
I want your eyes
I want your eyes to see
I want someone to notice me

I wanna be your new victim
I wanna be your new victim

No regrets... even if it's all I get
It's all I wanna be
So won't you take it from me
It still hurts
It's never easy to forget
Do I wanna be
well you never asked me

There are only so many ways..

.. to royally fuck up a conversation.

I employed every single one of them last night!

A productive day!

Tons of work done on the mountain of school work left to do in the next 2 weeks (on top of finals). That's always a great feeling! I've completed all work in one class, with the only remaining thing being the final. Still have several papers, projects and notebooks.. but it's diminishing slowly.

Reunion of sorts of friends tonight was invigorating. I haven't seen Pat, Brandon or Eddie in quite a while so it was good to catch up. We'll all see a movie next weekend. At least that gives me something to get through this week.

Without further ado, more school work!

For Edie

Today would have been your 26th birthday. No doubt, we would have spent the evening (after all, it is Saturday) celebrating with a few "girly" drinks and dancing the night away. We are the dancing queens, you know. I did spend a bit of today dancing for a child's birthday party. You would have loved it and laughed until your sides split. My entire routine - I made it up as I went along. We could have had a nice giggle about that afterwards.

I left some daisies for you today. I know how much you used to love daisies. They always made your day. Do you remember that Valentine's Day when you could send someone in school - anyone - a carnation. I was never fond of carnations so I brought you a daisy to show how much I loved you, my friend.

I thought about all of our fond memories today - cheering, choir tours, shared boyfriends, cruising around in the antique car, belly button piercings, drama productions, Hawaii and so many sleepovers that we spent tormenting poor Patrick. The list goes on and on. I've gathered all of the pictures to remind me of those moments and bought a beautiful frame to put them in as a collage. It may not be as hard as visiting you today, but I expect to shed a tear or two and maybe spend a few moments laughing at all of the silly things we did and all of the stupid, pointless fights that we could eventually look back on and smile.

I miss you, Edie. I miss your goofy laugh and your carefree attitude. I miss your ability to make me smile through the tears and the shoulder you were for me. I miss the way you helped me get through Senior year. I could not have survived without you. I miss you so much!

But I can't wait to see you again, Edie, and I know that I will. I hope that you are enjoying things the way you used to enjoy life. Save some celebration time for me when I meet you again. We'll dance the way we used to (in the halls of GCA)!

I love you.

Happy Thanksgiving. Here's wishing everyone as many things to be happy & thankful for as I have in my life :)

This thing..

..with my best friend. She's driving me completely berzerk. I get a voicemail "I have news.. call me" so I flip out, thinking she's engaged. Now, she won't call me!

Aggravating!

Oooo my god.. He makes me squirm and tingle and have so many butterflies! I haven't felt that with him in so long and I love it! These last few weeks have been amazing!

A Touch of Fall

There's a park very near my home that is unbelievably captivating in the Spring & Fall. I managed to snap a few photos. Enjoy!

I hate you for your happiness!

Because you were so cruel to me. You have done nothing to deserve this.

It's like a splinter

Finally, it worked it's way to the surface. Amazingly, the harder you try to suppress things, the more they fight to get out. Equal, opposite reaction I suppose.

I feel better for it. It's always good to feel a bit more "emotionally naked". At least then, you know who will judge you for your idiosyncrasies and who will support you as you work through them. Having additional support is nice too. It's just good to feel admiration as opposed to disgust.

Now, I can just focus on working through it.

Oh my..

that night. I don't think I've felt so physically good in my life!

Oh, work.

I'm so glad I took off work today to spend the day with myself. So much for spending time with Steve, his sister Patti (who's here from CO) and the family.

What a fucking waste of time and money!

Never saw the show, but I want to!

I'm a bionic woman, apparently. I like being a bionic woman in his eyes. It makes me feel completely powerful over anything.

I know that I'm still powerless over a great many thing and those things will continue to beat me down until the day I die, but just knowing that he sees me as a powerful human being who can control her life is enough for me.

I wish that someone else made me feel that way. I so wish that I didn't feel all but inadequate sometimes to them. Talking about my problems also made me realize something. If the person who I thought truly loved me saw that I was about to step on a land mine, one would think he would try damn hard to stop it from happening. One would assume he would want to stop the downward spiral. How can he say he "loves me more than anything" and not stop me from hurting myself.

I want to be the Bionic Woman to him too. I want him to empower me. I don't know if he can..