Why I have trust issues..

..because the friends that I do have, often forget how to be a friend.

Both of my best girl friends abandoned me over Christmas. At the last minute. Because they can't figure out how to best coordinate their time or vehicles.

Now Dana is back up in Manassas and she won't be back for another 2 weeks. Yes, I'm thoroughly pissed off! This is becoming harder to fix!

How excited should I be?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is my solo costume for this year. Not quite what I wanted, but it's a close second. And if going to the Bahamas in a month wasn't inspiration enough to get my fatty self to the gym, this definitely adds fuel to the fire!

I think I'm still experiencing shock!

Uh Christmas.. did that really happen today?

Steve is absolutely unbelievable! I mean this in the best way possible. I didn't foresee getting an expensive gift from him this year.. if anything noteworthy at all. We had been focused - granted, it was a while ago - on saving money for bigger and better things. I had lost hope, recently, that anything would come to fruition at all.

Imagine my surprise...

He came over to exchange gifts with my family, as we have done for forever, this morning. I figured I'd wait to unwrap the gift he had handed me until he was finished with my family's gifts. He assured me that my gift would take a while to figure out. I opened the bag to find a collection of scrabble pieces. It didn't take as long as he would have thought to cipher "The Bahamas" from the pieces. I think I was completely dumbfounded.. Then I thought "Maybe this is where he wants to go this summer with me.."
Oh no.. this vacation is fully booked. I fly out of Norfolk to Nassau in exactly one month. January 25th. Un-freakin-believable! To top it off, he's made reservations for us at ATLANTIS ON PARADISE ISLAND!!!

Of course, as soon as I tell Pam, the first thing out of her mouth is "Well, I guess you'll be coming back on the 29th with a ring." Hm.. could it be? We've had some serious ups and some serious downs and nearly too much time waiting. Could it be?

We'll have to wait to find out!

Enjoy some pictures of this morning's festivities - Mom, Dad, myself, Omah, Uncle Ken & Aunt Cin opening presents!

It's a Wonderful Life.. most of the time!

I adore my friends. They are completely amazing and wonderfully funny.

Last night was so enjoyable. If you live locally and don't partake in the Italian food @ Bravo, you're ridiculous. So delicious! And if you've never set foot in the Funny Bone, you're also pretty ridiculous. Mark Eddie performed - not so funny as Ralphie May, but a laughable show. The drinks aren't bad either. Get a rubber chicken! You'll be glad you did.

My foot is mostly healed, thank God! My dad surmises it was a stress fracture, which I suppose is likely. I'm still having some problems, but it's such a relief to actually be able to run again. Working my way to the Rock & Roll half marathon in September is hard to do with an injury. I've come out of this one more proud of myself. I hardly ever push myself so hard to resist the pain. I'm usually so weak that it knocks me on my ass and I'm crying "Doctor!" before I get a chance to see what can be done WITHOUT spending money due to my lack of good insurance. Go me! No doctors this time. Just persistence and healing!

To prevent this from quickly evolving into a brag session, I have to digress to something a bit more complex. That subject involves my anger on people and their "convenience" factor. Why is it that you can make yourself so open and available to people that you care about and have nothing come to fruition until the moment that it is convenient for them? I've always believed that any type of relationship involves some sacrifice and compromise. That is, it is often necessary to step outside of your comfort zone and give up something good for something great. I admit, I haven't always done this. I've been the selfish individual on more than one occasion, but I regret those moments and I always try to reconcile by making it up to that person.

I suppose you can only expect so much from people before you're let down one time too many. It becomes hard, then, to just dismiss the relationship at all, especially when there's a history. I should take it as a telling sign that the other person is just not as interested in preserving the relationship when they can't make a commitment to follow through with the simplest of plans. That alone should be enough for me. It still isn't. I hope that someday soon it is, because it's starting to hurt quite a bit.

Fortunately, the physical pain is subsiding.

One Thing

I absolutely LOVE that song by Finger Eleven. It was overplayed and overrated when it first debuted on my car's music box, but I love it! It's hard to beat this:

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

Yesterday was incredibly difficult! I'm lucky to have people around me that care enough to listen and support me rather than attempting to distract me in some way (although, I won't complain about the cookie baking, lunch & shopping trips, homemade spaghetti dinners and joke-time with copious amounts of beer). It's more about sharing something personal, not simply avoiding the white elephant.

Today was an amazing and exhausting day. I hoped that work would prove to be a bit busier - seeing as it is the holidays and I do work in retail - but it wasn't. The people that I work with are absolutely wonderful though and can make the time fly by. It's a very diverse environment with individuals from every conceivable background imaginable, but many of them are so easy to relate to. I love my job some days!

Job #2 of 3 is tomorrow. Whoever scheduled a women's basketball game at 11:00 am in the middle of the week is an absolute moron, but I suppose I can't complain when I'm making money. Speaking of, I'll have to post my pet-sitting schedule for the holiday! I can only say "Good God.". Just you wait..

Terribly. Difficult. Day.

Yet it hasn't really started yet. There's always something. Something to make me cry. Something to make me laugh. Most things are there solely to induce a tear-fest. I can't even believe that it has been 7 years already. Time has really flown by, although it feels like I can step back into the moments of a few days at any given second.

A whirlwind.
A cyclone.
A bullet wound.
A sense.
A migraine.
A blur.
A skipped heartbeat.
A skipped lifetime.

It's exhilarating to look at myself in a mirror and see, no, feel the healing. There are still moments I think that I haven't moved an inch in 7 years. The wounds have healed into scars, but the scar tissue hurts just as much sometimes. With one word or one sound or one smell, it floods back in.

I sometimes think that my scars are spreading. Have I become so unable to control the effect of my scars? Am I letting my hurt be the hurt of others? How high are the walls I've built to protect myself? How far will I go to honor his love?

I can't live like this forever. I can miss my Giraffe forever. I can miss his laugh and his jokes, his wit and his smile, his hug and his hands, his kiss and his compassion. But I can't live like this forever.

Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

Reminiscing

I love beautiful days at the park. And time spent with friends. And moments of solitude.

In my hurried state,

I totally forgot to leave a mark from this weekend. Here's one of Henry & Danes relaxing in Danes' apartment. Altogether now: "Awwww.."

Weekend done.

Only a great weekend could elicit such sadness about it actually being Sunday. Well, that and having to go to work does not help the situation, but it was a truly great weekend.

I feel complete again. What I thought was unable to be salvaged was not a lost cause. In fact, there was NO drama involved in the salvage process. What really surprises me is how someone can be so completely wrapped up in anxiety one minute and then so stoic the next. I suppose "stoic" would be an improper word. Happy.. enthralled.. elated.. joyous.. content.. Maybe those are words that provide a better description of him. At least, I hope they do. I felt every single one of them.

I spent yesterday in the company of Dana and her new love, Henry. What a completely amazing guy. I could not be happier for my best friend. She's went through such angst with Tabor that it was time for her to find someone that actually treats her as if he is in love with her. She deserves someone that is as special as she is. I only wish my process would speed through as quickly as hers is. Here I am, still waiting. It doesn't take away from my happiness for her, however. I love that she's so happy!

We had a fabulous time - traipsing around Old Town, Fairfax & the like. Watching movies and giggling. I so wish that she still lived closer. I miss my friends so intensely sometimes.

My weekend is coming to a rapid close. Luckily, I can spend some much-needed time with Steve tonight and we can chat. He's so good at making me forget about my other friends being so far away. It's nice to have someone like him too.

Oh, Paradox.

Why is it fair for graduate students (in most cases) to work harder than they did in completing their undergrad and not be able to graduate with honors? The system is so backwards. 4 classes and 4 A's this semester get me nothing but a 4.0. And what good is a 4.0 if it's not spelled out on your diploma? Honestly!

Anyhow, I'm fighting this feeling that I have broken my foot AGAIN. In almost the same spot as last time. It would behoove my foot to heal by tomorrow so my weekend is not completely ruined. Going out and about is just not a very feasible option for one who has a hard time walking. Honestly!

Little sleep has taken its toll on my immune system. I am indeed sick, and it could not come at a worse time. Actually, the week of Christmas would have been worse, but this is a close 2nd. Oh, but the joys of Nyquil. I've been sucking that down like candy for the last 2 days too. Nyquil mixed with beer tonight was a horrible combination. I now officially only desire to sleep like a rock. They should prescribe beer and Nyquil for insomniacs. Honestly!

But first, this final note. I have determined that my phone and talking abilities should be confiscated from me when I drink. Apparently, honesty pisses people off. God forbid that I be upset about missing a much-anticipated concert tonight. Honestly!

How much school rocks!

So much! I rocked a 102 on my Human Growth & Development final.
3 A's. And 1 more final to go (which I am told is "cake")!

Oh how I love being successful at school again. It honestly feels like a long time coming. With all the stress, anxiety and medicating I did over the EVMS fiasco, I think it's well deserved. I only wish graduation could come sooner, but after this semester, I KNOW 4 classes is all that my psyche can handle. I'm just not built to handle work like I could in my undergrad.

My happiness regarding school is only heightened by the fact that I'm heading up to NoVa this weekend. I'm making a stop in Fredericksburg on Friday to see Clint. I'm excited, but a bit nervous about it. I'm not 100% sure that we've healed yet, but I'm anticipating that Friday will fix what remains broken in our friendship.

I'm spending Saturday and some of Sunday with Danes! I am so anxious to meet Henry, her new (and quite serious) love. I told her after he asks Dad for the hand in marriage, I had to be 2nd on the list. It's only fair, I suppose.

This weekend should help me remove some emotional angst. At least, I hope it does. Life is only going up from here!

It's Movie Night

And I provided the entertainment. Produced and edited by ME! Oh, its worth a look!

A's so far in Reading to Learn & Students with Diverse Learning Needs.

Bring on the 4.0 baby! Magna cum laude, I've got you in my sights!

Patience is a Virtue.

I fully believe the saying should be restated to "understanding & reconciliation is a virtue", because life is too short to misinterpret and hold a grudge.

Maybe if I say it enough, it will be the new hit slogan!

It's truly amazing.

Liquor really does bring out the true side of people. Those sides are unbelievably scary.

The Day

It consisted of intense pride and humbling disappointment. I'm not usually one to have to remove myself from a situation for fear of having an emotional meltdown, but it hit me today. It hit me extremely hard.

I take a lot of pride in my work. I'm academically competitive and am usually very upset when I fail to succeed when I know I can. I worked extremely hard on a movie (my very first) for one of my classes this semester. I had a setback a few weeks ago when I had the movie nearly completed and it was saved to a flash drive, then stolen from under my nose. I had a moment. I persevered. I re-completed the assignment.

I was so unbelievably excited to show my work in class today. I wasn't sure I could stand getting through until 4:20. Alas, my newly purchased flash drive decided to be a complete bitch and not work to open my movie.

I am pretty convinced that God is punishing me for recent choices. This has to be the result of a relationship break down with someone that I care a lot about. I am reaping what I sow. Clearly. It's just as my favorite Voltaire quote goes: "God is a comedian playing to an audience too scared to laugh." I'm not laughing. I'm crying.

In sheer exasperation,

I failed to mention how incredibly amazing Meltdown was last night. I'd also be completely remiss if I did not mention how incredibly amazing Cogan's was too! Fun nights with good friends should be enough to make me smile. Here's a pic of Matt & I from Cogan's.
"Did you get punched in the face?"
"No, I just don't sleep anymore."

Good times.. good beer.. good music!

Tangled

How does one allow themselves to become so completely enveloped in something that will have absolutely no positive outcome? Knowing the probable consequences was not even enough to hinder me. When did my brain quit listening to my gut?

I love my friends..

.. for sitting through really, really shitty movies with me and having really, really good pizza with me.

Last night was a fabulous night. Tuesday night promises to be amazing as well. Meltdown is so close!

Oh, and I've gotten in A in 1 of my classes so far. Still waiting on 3 more.. Unfortunately, it involves a mountain of work being done very soon!