Terribly. Difficult. Day.

Yet it hasn't really started yet. There's always something. Something to make me cry. Something to make me laugh. Most things are there solely to induce a tear-fest. I can't even believe that it has been 7 years already. Time has really flown by, although it feels like I can step back into the moments of a few days at any given second.

A whirlwind.
A cyclone.
A bullet wound.
A sense.
A migraine.
A blur.
A skipped heartbeat.
A skipped lifetime.

It's exhilarating to look at myself in a mirror and see, no, feel the healing. There are still moments I think that I haven't moved an inch in 7 years. The wounds have healed into scars, but the scar tissue hurts just as much sometimes. With one word or one sound or one smell, it floods back in.

I sometimes think that my scars are spreading. Have I become so unable to control the effect of my scars? Am I letting my hurt be the hurt of others? How high are the walls I've built to protect myself? How far will I go to honor his love?

I can't live like this forever. I can miss my Giraffe forever. I can miss his laugh and his jokes, his wit and his smile, his hug and his hands, his kiss and his compassion. But I can't live like this forever.

Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there