Why I have trust issues..

..because the friends that I do have, often forget how to be a friend.

Both of my best girl friends abandoned me over Christmas. At the last minute. Because they can't figure out how to best coordinate their time or vehicles.

Now Dana is back up in Manassas and she won't be back for another 2 weeks. Yes, I'm thoroughly pissed off! This is becoming harder to fix!

How excited should I be?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is my solo costume for this year. Not quite what I wanted, but it's a close second. And if going to the Bahamas in a month wasn't inspiration enough to get my fatty self to the gym, this definitely adds fuel to the fire!

I think I'm still experiencing shock!

Uh Christmas.. did that really happen today?

Steve is absolutely unbelievable! I mean this in the best way possible. I didn't foresee getting an expensive gift from him this year.. if anything noteworthy at all. We had been focused - granted, it was a while ago - on saving money for bigger and better things. I had lost hope, recently, that anything would come to fruition at all.

Imagine my surprise...

He came over to exchange gifts with my family, as we have done for forever, this morning. I figured I'd wait to unwrap the gift he had handed me until he was finished with my family's gifts. He assured me that my gift would take a while to figure out. I opened the bag to find a collection of scrabble pieces. It didn't take as long as he would have thought to cipher "The Bahamas" from the pieces. I think I was completely dumbfounded.. Then I thought "Maybe this is where he wants to go this summer with me.."
Oh no.. this vacation is fully booked. I fly out of Norfolk to Nassau in exactly one month. January 25th. Un-freakin-believable! To top it off, he's made reservations for us at ATLANTIS ON PARADISE ISLAND!!!

Of course, as soon as I tell Pam, the first thing out of her mouth is "Well, I guess you'll be coming back on the 29th with a ring." Hm.. could it be? We've had some serious ups and some serious downs and nearly too much time waiting. Could it be?

We'll have to wait to find out!

Enjoy some pictures of this morning's festivities - Mom, Dad, myself, Omah, Uncle Ken & Aunt Cin opening presents!

It's a Wonderful Life.. most of the time!

I adore my friends. They are completely amazing and wonderfully funny.

Last night was so enjoyable. If you live locally and don't partake in the Italian food @ Bravo, you're ridiculous. So delicious! And if you've never set foot in the Funny Bone, you're also pretty ridiculous. Mark Eddie performed - not so funny as Ralphie May, but a laughable show. The drinks aren't bad either. Get a rubber chicken! You'll be glad you did.

My foot is mostly healed, thank God! My dad surmises it was a stress fracture, which I suppose is likely. I'm still having some problems, but it's such a relief to actually be able to run again. Working my way to the Rock & Roll half marathon in September is hard to do with an injury. I've come out of this one more proud of myself. I hardly ever push myself so hard to resist the pain. I'm usually so weak that it knocks me on my ass and I'm crying "Doctor!" before I get a chance to see what can be done WITHOUT spending money due to my lack of good insurance. Go me! No doctors this time. Just persistence and healing!

To prevent this from quickly evolving into a brag session, I have to digress to something a bit more complex. That subject involves my anger on people and their "convenience" factor. Why is it that you can make yourself so open and available to people that you care about and have nothing come to fruition until the moment that it is convenient for them? I've always believed that any type of relationship involves some sacrifice and compromise. That is, it is often necessary to step outside of your comfort zone and give up something good for something great. I admit, I haven't always done this. I've been the selfish individual on more than one occasion, but I regret those moments and I always try to reconcile by making it up to that person.

I suppose you can only expect so much from people before you're let down one time too many. It becomes hard, then, to just dismiss the relationship at all, especially when there's a history. I should take it as a telling sign that the other person is just not as interested in preserving the relationship when they can't make a commitment to follow through with the simplest of plans. That alone should be enough for me. It still isn't. I hope that someday soon it is, because it's starting to hurt quite a bit.

Fortunately, the physical pain is subsiding.

One Thing

I absolutely LOVE that song by Finger Eleven. It was overplayed and overrated when it first debuted on my car's music box, but I love it! It's hard to beat this:

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

Yesterday was incredibly difficult! I'm lucky to have people around me that care enough to listen and support me rather than attempting to distract me in some way (although, I won't complain about the cookie baking, lunch & shopping trips, homemade spaghetti dinners and joke-time with copious amounts of beer). It's more about sharing something personal, not simply avoiding the white elephant.

Today was an amazing and exhausting day. I hoped that work would prove to be a bit busier - seeing as it is the holidays and I do work in retail - but it wasn't. The people that I work with are absolutely wonderful though and can make the time fly by. It's a very diverse environment with individuals from every conceivable background imaginable, but many of them are so easy to relate to. I love my job some days!

Job #2 of 3 is tomorrow. Whoever scheduled a women's basketball game at 11:00 am in the middle of the week is an absolute moron, but I suppose I can't complain when I'm making money. Speaking of, I'll have to post my pet-sitting schedule for the holiday! I can only say "Good God.". Just you wait..

Terribly. Difficult. Day.

Yet it hasn't really started yet. There's always something. Something to make me cry. Something to make me laugh. Most things are there solely to induce a tear-fest. I can't even believe that it has been 7 years already. Time has really flown by, although it feels like I can step back into the moments of a few days at any given second.

A whirlwind.
A cyclone.
A bullet wound.
A sense.
A migraine.
A blur.
A skipped heartbeat.
A skipped lifetime.

It's exhilarating to look at myself in a mirror and see, no, feel the healing. There are still moments I think that I haven't moved an inch in 7 years. The wounds have healed into scars, but the scar tissue hurts just as much sometimes. With one word or one sound or one smell, it floods back in.

I sometimes think that my scars are spreading. Have I become so unable to control the effect of my scars? Am I letting my hurt be the hurt of others? How high are the walls I've built to protect myself? How far will I go to honor his love?

I can't live like this forever. I can miss my Giraffe forever. I can miss his laugh and his jokes, his wit and his smile, his hug and his hands, his kiss and his compassion. But I can't live like this forever.

Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

Reminiscing

I love beautiful days at the park. And time spent with friends. And moments of solitude.

In my hurried state,

I totally forgot to leave a mark from this weekend. Here's one of Henry & Danes relaxing in Danes' apartment. Altogether now: "Awwww.."

Weekend done.

Only a great weekend could elicit such sadness about it actually being Sunday. Well, that and having to go to work does not help the situation, but it was a truly great weekend.

I feel complete again. What I thought was unable to be salvaged was not a lost cause. In fact, there was NO drama involved in the salvage process. What really surprises me is how someone can be so completely wrapped up in anxiety one minute and then so stoic the next. I suppose "stoic" would be an improper word. Happy.. enthralled.. elated.. joyous.. content.. Maybe those are words that provide a better description of him. At least, I hope they do. I felt every single one of them.

I spent yesterday in the company of Dana and her new love, Henry. What a completely amazing guy. I could not be happier for my best friend. She's went through such angst with Tabor that it was time for her to find someone that actually treats her as if he is in love with her. She deserves someone that is as special as she is. I only wish my process would speed through as quickly as hers is. Here I am, still waiting. It doesn't take away from my happiness for her, however. I love that she's so happy!

We had a fabulous time - traipsing around Old Town, Fairfax & the like. Watching movies and giggling. I so wish that she still lived closer. I miss my friends so intensely sometimes.

My weekend is coming to a rapid close. Luckily, I can spend some much-needed time with Steve tonight and we can chat. He's so good at making me forget about my other friends being so far away. It's nice to have someone like him too.

Oh, Paradox.

Why is it fair for graduate students (in most cases) to work harder than they did in completing their undergrad and not be able to graduate with honors? The system is so backwards. 4 classes and 4 A's this semester get me nothing but a 4.0. And what good is a 4.0 if it's not spelled out on your diploma? Honestly!

Anyhow, I'm fighting this feeling that I have broken my foot AGAIN. In almost the same spot as last time. It would behoove my foot to heal by tomorrow so my weekend is not completely ruined. Going out and about is just not a very feasible option for one who has a hard time walking. Honestly!

Little sleep has taken its toll on my immune system. I am indeed sick, and it could not come at a worse time. Actually, the week of Christmas would have been worse, but this is a close 2nd. Oh, but the joys of Nyquil. I've been sucking that down like candy for the last 2 days too. Nyquil mixed with beer tonight was a horrible combination. I now officially only desire to sleep like a rock. They should prescribe beer and Nyquil for insomniacs. Honestly!

But first, this final note. I have determined that my phone and talking abilities should be confiscated from me when I drink. Apparently, honesty pisses people off. God forbid that I be upset about missing a much-anticipated concert tonight. Honestly!

How much school rocks!

So much! I rocked a 102 on my Human Growth & Development final.
3 A's. And 1 more final to go (which I am told is "cake")!

Oh how I love being successful at school again. It honestly feels like a long time coming. With all the stress, anxiety and medicating I did over the EVMS fiasco, I think it's well deserved. I only wish graduation could come sooner, but after this semester, I KNOW 4 classes is all that my psyche can handle. I'm just not built to handle work like I could in my undergrad.

My happiness regarding school is only heightened by the fact that I'm heading up to NoVa this weekend. I'm making a stop in Fredericksburg on Friday to see Clint. I'm excited, but a bit nervous about it. I'm not 100% sure that we've healed yet, but I'm anticipating that Friday will fix what remains broken in our friendship.

I'm spending Saturday and some of Sunday with Danes! I am so anxious to meet Henry, her new (and quite serious) love. I told her after he asks Dad for the hand in marriage, I had to be 2nd on the list. It's only fair, I suppose.

This weekend should help me remove some emotional angst. At least, I hope it does. Life is only going up from here!

It's Movie Night

And I provided the entertainment. Produced and edited by ME! Oh, its worth a look!

A's so far in Reading to Learn & Students with Diverse Learning Needs.

Bring on the 4.0 baby! Magna cum laude, I've got you in my sights!

Patience is a Virtue.

I fully believe the saying should be restated to "understanding & reconciliation is a virtue", because life is too short to misinterpret and hold a grudge.

Maybe if I say it enough, it will be the new hit slogan!

It's truly amazing.

Liquor really does bring out the true side of people. Those sides are unbelievably scary.

The Day

It consisted of intense pride and humbling disappointment. I'm not usually one to have to remove myself from a situation for fear of having an emotional meltdown, but it hit me today. It hit me extremely hard.

I take a lot of pride in my work. I'm academically competitive and am usually very upset when I fail to succeed when I know I can. I worked extremely hard on a movie (my very first) for one of my classes this semester. I had a setback a few weeks ago when I had the movie nearly completed and it was saved to a flash drive, then stolen from under my nose. I had a moment. I persevered. I re-completed the assignment.

I was so unbelievably excited to show my work in class today. I wasn't sure I could stand getting through until 4:20. Alas, my newly purchased flash drive decided to be a complete bitch and not work to open my movie.

I am pretty convinced that God is punishing me for recent choices. This has to be the result of a relationship break down with someone that I care a lot about. I am reaping what I sow. Clearly. It's just as my favorite Voltaire quote goes: "God is a comedian playing to an audience too scared to laugh." I'm not laughing. I'm crying.

In sheer exasperation,

I failed to mention how incredibly amazing Meltdown was last night. I'd also be completely remiss if I did not mention how incredibly amazing Cogan's was too! Fun nights with good friends should be enough to make me smile. Here's a pic of Matt & I from Cogan's.
"Did you get punched in the face?"
"No, I just don't sleep anymore."

Good times.. good beer.. good music!

Tangled

How does one allow themselves to become so completely enveloped in something that will have absolutely no positive outcome? Knowing the probable consequences was not even enough to hinder me. When did my brain quit listening to my gut?

I love my friends..

.. for sitting through really, really shitty movies with me and having really, really good pizza with me.

Last night was a fabulous night. Tuesday night promises to be amazing as well. Meltdown is so close!

Oh, and I've gotten in A in 1 of my classes so far. Still waiting on 3 more.. Unfortunately, it involves a mountain of work being done very soon!

I give up!

I want a new brain and new girl parts! Effective immediately!

In the words of Trapt

Let me play
I've been dying to let you in
It's all I wanna be
So won't you take it from me
I wonder why the less I get the more I give
It's all I wanna be
So won't you take it from me

I want your eyes
I want your eyes on me
I want your eyes
I want your eyes on me
I want your eyes
I want your eyes to see
I want someone to notice me

I wanna be your new victim
I wanna be your new victim

No regrets... even if it's all I get
It's all I wanna be
So won't you take it from me
It still hurts
It's never easy to forget
Do I wanna be
well you never asked me

There are only so many ways..

.. to royally fuck up a conversation.

I employed every single one of them last night!

A productive day!

Tons of work done on the mountain of school work left to do in the next 2 weeks (on top of finals). That's always a great feeling! I've completed all work in one class, with the only remaining thing being the final. Still have several papers, projects and notebooks.. but it's diminishing slowly.

Reunion of sorts of friends tonight was invigorating. I haven't seen Pat, Brandon or Eddie in quite a while so it was good to catch up. We'll all see a movie next weekend. At least that gives me something to get through this week.

Without further ado, more school work!

For Edie

Today would have been your 26th birthday. No doubt, we would have spent the evening (after all, it is Saturday) celebrating with a few "girly" drinks and dancing the night away. We are the dancing queens, you know. I did spend a bit of today dancing for a child's birthday party. You would have loved it and laughed until your sides split. My entire routine - I made it up as I went along. We could have had a nice giggle about that afterwards.

I left some daisies for you today. I know how much you used to love daisies. They always made your day. Do you remember that Valentine's Day when you could send someone in school - anyone - a carnation. I was never fond of carnations so I brought you a daisy to show how much I loved you, my friend.

I thought about all of our fond memories today - cheering, choir tours, shared boyfriends, cruising around in the antique car, belly button piercings, drama productions, Hawaii and so many sleepovers that we spent tormenting poor Patrick. The list goes on and on. I've gathered all of the pictures to remind me of those moments and bought a beautiful frame to put them in as a collage. It may not be as hard as visiting you today, but I expect to shed a tear or two and maybe spend a few moments laughing at all of the silly things we did and all of the stupid, pointless fights that we could eventually look back on and smile.

I miss you, Edie. I miss your goofy laugh and your carefree attitude. I miss your ability to make me smile through the tears and the shoulder you were for me. I miss the way you helped me get through Senior year. I could not have survived without you. I miss you so much!

But I can't wait to see you again, Edie, and I know that I will. I hope that you are enjoying things the way you used to enjoy life. Save some celebration time for me when I meet you again. We'll dance the way we used to (in the halls of GCA)!

I love you.

Happy Thanksgiving. Here's wishing everyone as many things to be happy & thankful for as I have in my life :)

This thing..

..with my best friend. She's driving me completely berzerk. I get a voicemail "I have news.. call me" so I flip out, thinking she's engaged. Now, she won't call me!

Aggravating!

Oooo my god.. He makes me squirm and tingle and have so many butterflies! I haven't felt that with him in so long and I love it! These last few weeks have been amazing!

A Touch of Fall

There's a park very near my home that is unbelievably captivating in the Spring & Fall. I managed to snap a few photos. Enjoy!

I hate you for your happiness!

Because you were so cruel to me. You have done nothing to deserve this.

It's like a splinter

Finally, it worked it's way to the surface. Amazingly, the harder you try to suppress things, the more they fight to get out. Equal, opposite reaction I suppose.

I feel better for it. It's always good to feel a bit more "emotionally naked". At least then, you know who will judge you for your idiosyncrasies and who will support you as you work through them. Having additional support is nice too. It's just good to feel admiration as opposed to disgust.

Now, I can just focus on working through it.

Oh my..

that night. I don't think I've felt so physically good in my life!

Oh, work.

I'm so glad I took off work today to spend the day with myself. So much for spending time with Steve, his sister Patti (who's here from CO) and the family.

What a fucking waste of time and money!

Never saw the show, but I want to!

I'm a bionic woman, apparently. I like being a bionic woman in his eyes. It makes me feel completely powerful over anything.

I know that I'm still powerless over a great many thing and those things will continue to beat me down until the day I die, but just knowing that he sees me as a powerful human being who can control her life is enough for me.

I wish that someone else made me feel that way. I so wish that I didn't feel all but inadequate sometimes to them. Talking about my problems also made me realize something. If the person who I thought truly loved me saw that I was about to step on a land mine, one would think he would try damn hard to stop it from happening. One would assume he would want to stop the downward spiral. How can he say he "loves me more than anything" and not stop me from hurting myself.

I want to be the Bionic Woman to him too. I want him to empower me. I don't know if he can..

Oh Halloween

Let me just say how unbelievably excited I am that tomorrow is Halloween and my costume will be extraordinarily amazingly hot! It's not every day that we can be someone that we aren't - if that makes any sense.

Pictures will come, I promise!

Wall

I always find that learning more about oneself and about those around us is an allowance to open up to those other individuals. At least, that's been the case in my experience. But it is a difficult step to get there, is it not? As humans, when life hits us hard or, as my dance instructor says, "the Devil crosses his legs", we are forced to construct walls that protect others from getting in. Often times, we do this without so much as a second thought. It's merely a method of protection.

I've done it often and completely unintentionally. It eventually comes at the expense of others that the wall is thickened and molded and much more challenging to break down.

I'm fortunate to have stumbled across a new friend in one of my graduate classes at ODU. He's brilliant. He forces me to think. He makes me laugh hysterically. I spoke with Pam tonight, as well. She said it's always a blessing when God gives us companions that we can find common ground with while enjoying each other's company. He clearly finds something in me. He's more open and honest with me than most people are with someone they barely know. He's trustworthy, engaging and completely charming. Easy to talk to. After all he's shared with me about his life, I find it only fair to reciprocate his trust in me.

So, of course, at the one time that I actually want to engage in meaningful conversation with someone and open up to them, I find that I can't. About anything. In the past, it's always eventually been drug out of me. That, or the only people I have been in contact with are those who already know certain unappealing circumstances or habits. Therefore, I was never in a situation where I wanted to divulge key details.

It's a quandary. At what point do we stop caring less about what judgements will be formed of us and start caring more about allowing ourselves to experience open, honest relationships? To what extent must another individual prove they are trustworthy?

I suppose only time will tell.